Saturday musings

Thanks for the notes in the mail Mom. I appreciated your thoughts, hearing what you thought, and the reassurances that I’m not alone, or as weird as I think I am sometimes. By the way, I even cleaned some baseboards and dusted today. But just in one room - I didn't let myself get TOO bored.

So, I’ve been on Facebook – obviously Scott hasn’t because he’s still listed as “in a relationship.” I keep wanting to make things for him – who can I cook for this week instead?! I can’t decide what to do about dominoes either. I kind of wanted to make a cobbler or blackberry yummies for them (since I didn’t get to pick last week and take something), but at this point, I doubt I’ll go. I think it would just be too awkward right now. Although I’ll miss seeing Jim, Kathy, Jennifer, and Bill. And Scott.

He asked me several times (when we were dating) if I was used to dating yet or if it still seemed weird. I guess it was easy for me to think of him and make him a part of my life. I was thinking today things like: I could go vacuum his boat out while he’s gone, would he like blackberry yummies (a cake with blackberries), I’ve been wanting to check out Village Creek State Park and we could rent bikes, maybe we could go to Quitman (to the little antique place) and then on to Woolly Hollow State Park or the elephant sanctuary (only on the first week-end of the month though), we still haven’t made risotto, I even picked up his habit of saying, “yeahhh,” etc. Yikes.

Then I wonder: Did I really try hard enough? Was he honest when he said he just wasn’t interested in dating or was he just saying he wasn’t interested in me? Was it just an excuse? I know I wasn’t always myself, except maybe after we broke up. At least, then I knew where I stood! I think that was really the first time that I knew where I stood with him. Although I thought it was a big deal when he finally kissed me (after like 3 months – did I have some disease or something?), and when he put “in a relationship” on Facebook (or did he do that just because I got on Facebook?). It was weird though – he wasn’t shy about telling me about his needs and love language, but when I told him mine – he ran (or swam) the other way. Hmm. Maybe it’s just the mysteries of man. I guess overall, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I think I’m a better person for having known Scott and that is good. I can’t say that about some other guys I’ve dated. Jess asked an interesting question - why did he never see us together at church? I'm not sure. We never drove to church together, and I usually didn't see him. Or I might have gone over. Maybe it was another way to be independent. Or maybe I didn't want to be that visible together at church because of the situation with the guy before Scott. I don't know - but it was an interesting question - one I had thought about before. I've always enjoyed going to church with guys I've dated. I knew Scott went to a different class than I did. If he'd asked me, I would have gone with him, but I'm not sure he wanted me there! It would have seemed like we were really dating.

So here I am again. Single. Old Maid. Content. Challenged. A little down. Honest. Searching. Wondering. I bet my brother-in-law is wondering, “so when are you going to start on the next ex-boyfriend?” :-) John is such a optimist.

Good night.