Thinking in circles.....I'm getting dizzy!

A big thanks to my sweet friend Nancy this week. I haven't seen Nancy in years - probably the last time was at Spring Sing of my Junior year at Harding (1996) but we've kept in touch some by email. I shared my blog with her and she has emailed me back. Thanks Nancy for giving me pointers, your opinion, and your support. I can't tell you what that means to me. I'm planning on trying out some of your topics tonight. I think we'll have time in the car on the way to the lake - haven't really been alone much to ask much this week. But then, I guess we don't have to be alone - I guess I just feel more comfortable one-on-one.

Do you ever have days when you think you're just such a loser? When you feel like you don't do anything right? When you just want to cry? I'm sure you do - I know I do. I was so down last Wednesday and I wrote my Mom. I kept telling her that I was asking her opinion, to go ahead and tell me what she thought. So when she called me Saturday afternoon - to answer a few questions she said - I was like, good. The timing was not great, but oh well. But she only answered the 2 "light" questions I had (anyone need a twin frame and mattress set?!?!). Didn't mention everything I was struggling with. But she did email me and said she was writing me so at least I know she heard me. I also wonder - how did I get this way? Surely I wasn't always this difficult!!! Is it just my selfishness? Being alone so much, so long? Not knowing basic personal/communication skills (that has been suggested by others)? I know I'm not anywhere near perfect, but I guess when the truth glares at you it is hard to ignore.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm not a good talker. Oh, if you get me going I can talk. My best friend Elissa is probably best at reading me - she knows sometimes what I'm going to do, months or weeks before I do! She also takes the time to get me talking - not an easy feat sometimes - and really listens. Maybe it's just that I'm lazy sometimes, maybe because I don't want to "ramble on and on," maybe I just need encouragement and a listening ear. When I get tired or stressed, it's worse. I'm probably not as honest in communicating either - my first reaction to "how are you?" fine - even when I'm not. To "what's wrong?" - nothing. Why am I so fearful about what I say? Why do I not open up easily? I hate being the center of attention, but then I do want to say things that I don't say. Why do I worry so much (that must be an inherited trait from my Grandma Moss!!!)? Stuff like: getting my masters (should have gotten it already), retirement (am I putting enough back? - probably not), am I doing a good job?, am I being a good daughter, sister, friend? Would I be a good wife even though I know it would be huge adjustment but worth it? or would I be better off single? I know, you have worries too - about spouses, about raising good christian kids, making the right decisions, jobs, retirement, thinking about things you may encounter in the future, etc.

So, this post may not make much sense. My mind runs in so many circles these days that it's hard for me to make sense of it sometimes! Scott is different from the other guys I've dated. Most of them I got to know through email first (yes, most of them I met online!). And since it's easier to "talk" on email, that may have made a difference. By the time I actually met them, I already knew a lot about them and felt like I'd known them awhile. With Scott, we started from scratch - the old fashioned way! With some of the guys I've dated, they were always eager to spend time with me and I didn't wonder what they thought about me. I have no idea what Scott thinks about me. I said I was just taking this as it comes, being patient. I didn't want to be high maintenance or bug him all the time, so I pretty much let him lead. I figured if he wanted to see me, he would call or email. And he did (not as often as I was used to!). But I think I just wondered what was going on for so long, that I'm still wondering if he's happy dating me, if I'm boring (even I think that a lot, and I get so frustrated!), if I'm adventurous enough, pretty enough, deep enough. I think he smells good - but I haven't ever told him that even though I've thought it. But I guess that does sound rather trivial. Let's see - I liked what Lara wrote - he just seems like a very kind person - and he is. He's very thoughtful of other people - waiters and car hops and friends. He has probably made me think more, get out of my comfort zone more, and learn more than anyone else I've dated. I've been way more adventurous (or maybe just less fearful - or maybe just trying something new because he wanted me to try it). There are times when I'm not just all that excited about going to the lake, but I'm always glad I did. I guess I've thought, well, I may not get to see him otherwise. He even told me his "love language" several weeks ago, so I've tried to be more "gifty" - I've enjoyed that process for the most part. But I fear my artistry is not that good - but I hope that he least could tell that the picture on the card was supposed to be his boat at sunset. But since he mentioned the 5 love languages, that got me to thinking about mine. I didn't even know what mine was (you would have thought I'd have figured that out earlier this year when I was reading every book I could). I thought I could narrow it down to 2. So I went to Hastings with a piece of paper and a pencil (I couldn't find the book at the library). I went through the profile at the back of the 5 Love Languages. But that wasn't much help since it was for husbands and wives (it kept saying your husband this, your husband that, and I can't imagine that!). But there was another love language book - the 5 Love Languages for Singles (which I had read once). So I tried that one out and felt much more comfortable - and got a better idea too. My primary language appears to be "quality time." And second is "physical touch." I probably smothered my parents with hugs and kisses growing up, but after you get away from harding huggers, it's hard and I really missed that. I think I crave that - I love shoulder and back rubs, holding hands, tickling. But when I get out of the habit, it's harder to just reach out and touch someone. But I like quality time - I can be happy just spending alone time with someone, sitting on the couch, driving around, whatever. But then I start getting nervous about not talking enough. It's a cycle I tell you. I could just sit with Dad and be perfectly happy. We didn't have to talk too much - although when we did share good conversation, it was great. I could just sit there and he was so patient to wait and see what I'd talk about.

Well, I guess that's enough rambling for now. Please don't think that I'm all weird or unhappy. I struggle. I wonder. I have no idea where I'm going most of the time. But I know I'm lucky to have great friends, wonderful family, a good job, fun times traveling, but most of all, I have Hope in Him. Take care and have a blessed day.