Almost April

Thanks for all of the birthday wishes. I had a great birthday. If you don't count the frustrating frustration of trying to leave town and the crying jag as a result. Instead of driving out of town, I drove home. Cried, took a nap, felt much better. Got to Mom's late - but in a much better state (hey that rhymes!). I think I was just drained from a week where I spent way too much time on the road (about 20 hours driving to Mt. Ida, Walnut Ridge twice, and various other places!). I'm sure it was just emotions or better yet, hormones.

But Laura's cake was WAY too yummy, Emily was too cute with her new haircut, even though she cried. Mom was feeling better, even though I teased her. Grandmother seemed to be doing well. Patti & Madison were a fun addition too. Laura, Emily, & I shopped in Texarkana (Laura shopped, Emily & I tagged along). We ate lunch at Olive Garden and ate surprisingly healthy (we think). But we ate dinner at On the Border. Even though I brought half of my Fish Tacos home, I'm sure it wasn't healthy! I made chicken pot pie for lunch on Sunday. Grandmother came over to eat with us and had a good time.

I think I emphasize with everyone's struggles. Sometimes I get really depressed and down. Critical. But I think of a verse I wrote down years ago - don't worry about tomorrow - each day has enough troubles of its own! If I can just start each day with a fresh, clean attitude, I think I'd be better off. But no, I worry about things that are past, I stew over things that happened months ago, I wonder about what people think, I wonder if I'm dating or not - is he interested or not? SO, now of think of that phrase - let go and let God. I loved what Donna wrote about prayer and realized that I need to work on my prayer life. I keep thinking, oh, He doesn't want to hear about that AGAIN. And with people, oh, they don't want to listen to me - I don't have much to add to that conversation, I don't want to toot my horn too much, they don't want to hear me ramble on and on about myself again. But God will listen, every time. I can pour out my heart. And then I will let go and let God.

Birthday - yeah rah!

It's March 23 and today I am 32 years old. I was born really early in the morning (thank goodness Mom doesn't call me at that time!) in Knoxville, TN. The night before I was born, Mom and Pa-Pa Brown (her Dad) sat in the floor and hemmed a black & white round tablecloth. That tablecloth is in my living room. It's older than me!

I have gotten several birthday cards - one from someone I don't even know. I'll have to find out who that person is!!! The ladies in the Wednesday morning Strong Women class even sang "Happy Birthday" to me. What special ladies! I'm headed to Mom's for a girls week-end - Mom, Laura, Emily, me, Mom's friend Patti, and Patti's dog Madison. I know shopping is on the agenda for Laura and Mom - they need clothes that fit since they've lost weight. I'm really not in the market for clothes - I have plenty and when I lose a few pounds more I'll be able to wear them! But I know we'll have fun - and Laura is baking my favorite birthday cake!

I also had a bag on my vehicle this morning when I left the house. Scott left me a card and cute book! He was out early.

I really emphasized with Lara's newest post. I find myself being critical, impatient, and asking "why does everyone bother me?" I even had an email this morning from a friend asking some good questions like (related to dating):

What *would* work for you, i.e., get you past the 6-month mark and into a long-term situation. Do you have an outline of what you want in mind and just can't find someone to match it, or do you start optimistically with each guy and then inevitably develop a "blah" or "ick" feeling over time?

Hmm. I don't have a really specific idea of what I'm looking for - more like a general idea of what I want and don't want. But usually around the 3-6 month mark, I start wondering. Do I really want to live the rest of my life with this person?!?! Which takes me back to being critical and impatient. Here I am, 32. At supper club last night, some of the younger ones were lamenting about their age. And I'm thinking, if I have kids, I'll be an older mom. Maybe I'll be more mature, but I'll be more tired too. So, I'm impatient with other people, with myself, and with the way my life is going. And then I'm critical of everyone to boot. When will I grow up?!

Anyway, I hope you have a great week-end!

New March Post

I’ve been nudged to update my blog. Mostly by my sweet sister. I kept telling her that I really had not had much to say lately. But here goes……….

Have you ever struggled with fear? Fear of spiders, bears, wolves? I admit, I was scared of bears & wolves – I had nightmares about them sitting outside my window at night. What about other fears? Fear of rejection? Fear of failure? Fear of love? Fear of people?

I went to Fordyce last Saturday and stayed until Sunday afternoon. Laura kept me busy with her new square foot garden plots – from the trip to Lowe’s on the way to mixing up the soil for the planting. That was actually fun, if a bit dirty. I had fun with the kids – Emily didn’t want me to leave. Ethan gave me lots of hugs. We went to the big city of Bearden for dinner on Saturday night at the Bear City Diner. The BBQ chicken was very good. So were the mashed potatoes and corn nuggets!! Not the healthiest, but not the worst either. I’ve been trying to watch what I eat more and exercise. Since I’m teaching 3 classes of Strong Women on Mondays & Wednesdays, it’s a little easier! But I need to get out and walk more – the weather has been so nice lately.

I’m started thinking that I have finally arrived in Searcy – people really do check out what is in my buggy at the grocery store! And, even though I don’t like it, NOT having Laura and John here has probably been good for me in some ways. It has forced me to get out on my own more. I’ve met a lot of people in the past few months, and find myself staying after church to visit instead of just leaving. Of course, I seem to know more mature people but they are fun too!

Thanks to Liz, my heart-to-heart partner and AWH guru, I met a new friend, Scott. Liz talked to him about me, and he gave me a call. We got together at the Underground and talked for several hours. He’s very easy to be around, to talk to. He introduced me to his Sunday night dominos group and that has become a really enjoyable end to a great Sunday. We go to Jim & Kathy Johnstons, and usually the crew consists of Jennifer Hurd, Bill Spear, Scott, and me. Last Sunday night, Scott’s Dad Larry came and he was a lot of fun. Scott is not demanding, is very easygoing, and apparently patient. I’ve just taken the “whatever” philosophy – take it as it comes. Although, I admit that I am missing him this week – he’s in Italy with his Dad! And yes, I’m probably envious too – I would rather be in Rome too. I’m not really what is going on, but I’m trying to enjoy it. If I wonder what he’s thinking about me, I can only imagine what he thinks about me. And that’s scary – I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m probably not the easiest person to read. But anyway……

My next trip is to Washington, DC with my best friend Elissa and her mom, Mrs. Sue. They have never been there and we should be there during the peak of the cherry blossoms blooming. I know we won’t get bored, but now I’m worried that they want to try to pack too much into the week. I was sort of planning our attack since I’ve been there, but then Elissa threw in a Nationals baseball game and other things I had not really thought about! Oh well, I’m sure we’ll have a blast. I bought my plant ticket the other day.